marriage

How do we get to a better life?  Well, we can start with watching and reminding ourselves of all of the lessons from Oprah’s Lifeclass on the Oprah Winfrey Network.  I remember years ago when I heard those words, “When people show you who they are believe them.”  I was young and it took a few years to understand what they really meant…and with today’s lesson, it took them to a new depth of understanding.  Don’t waste any more time on hoping for people to change.  Instead, give that energy back to yourself and look at changing your OWN life.  Here are tonight’s notes.  Be empowered…to open your eyes.

• When people show you who they are, believe them.  Lesson with Maya Angelou – Why do you blame the other person when they tell you who they are?  Trust in life that people will tell you who they are.  People show you who they are.  “When people show you who they are, why don’t you believe them?  Why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are?  Why can’t you get it the first time?” – Maya Angelou
• When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM the first time.
• What are you really looking for in your relationships?  You are worthy of being married…of being loved.
• Case Study: Dr. Phil and Marriage – Why are you getting married?  Back in 2001, Angela and Eric talked to Dr. Phil about the problems that they’ve had with actually getting married. Eric says to push Angela to make a decision to get married, he had an affair and set it up for her to walk in on him.  What are your Pro’s and Con’s list for your relationship?  Do you “see and believe in the Kodak image of what you think a marriage could be instead of looking at the reality of what really is going on in your relationship?”   What does your PRO and CON list look like?
• So many people are holding on to difficult situations because they are holding on to that little piece of potential that they believe they can extract or change or make different in somebody.
• When people show you who they are, believe them.  When they TELL you who they are, you’d better believe them.
• Hear the message and what’s underneath the message.  When you see it, believe it.
• “Potential” isn’t a quality, it’s a fantasy. Scratch it off your life of pros and cons.
• Case Study:  Former Governor Jim McGreevey who committed adultery and came out as a gay man.  In 2004, it was a big topic.  In 2006, he talked to Oprah.  In 2007, Dina McGreevey talked to Oprah about her book, “Silent Partner.”  Often the person doesn’t show you exactly, but it’s the little messages that you get that tell you that things are just a little off.  Signs of disconnect were in the relationship.  He showed her with other things that he kept a secret or areas of his life that he “wouldn’t allow,” like hiding his finances, not going to his parents home, or not allowing her contact with his daughter from a previous marriage.
• If a person is accustomed to keeping secrets and deceiving you and not really being truthful with you in other areas of your life, there’s no telling what is the big secret that you’ll never know.
• Not “allowing you” to do something is a relationship is controlling.
• You don’t see it because you really don’t want to see it.  Because if you see it…if you really allow yourself to take the whole thing in and see what’s in front of you, then that means you have to do something about it.  And what are you willing to do about it?
• All secrets are control strategies. If someone’s keeping secrets from you, you’re being controlled…and that’s not love.
• Case Study: From a 2003 Oprah Show, James and Disaria.  Hid a lot from his wife – his jealousy, his temper.  One night, he reacted to her relationship with her male friends and started attacking her. He started choking her and only stopped because his daughter came to the door.  He admits if their daughter had not come to the door, that he probably would have killed her that night.  Oprah reminds us that experts say that normal people never just snap. There are always warning signs. – A cell phone/beeper so he always knew where she was.  All finances in his name only.
• You can point out to people when they are showing signs of behavior that you do not want in your life, but pointing it out does not change it. That person has to want to make a difference in who they are and their actions in order for it to work.    Do they see what you are talking about and do they want to change it?
• If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  Good and bad.  BELIEVE them…because it can change your life.
• You are responsible for the energy that you bring and you are also responsible for the energy that you allow to be brought to you. It’s a choice on how you want to live your life.  All of the negative, dark, irresponsible energy that comes around you blocks you from moving forward in your life. Life is always about energy – it’s about clearing your energy space.  Unless you are willing to divorce yourself from the negativity in your life, you will not be able to go forward.
• You aren’t just responsible for the energy you bring into a relationship, you’re also responsible for the energy you allow into it.
• Case Study: Discussion with Iyanla Vanzant You are your own soul mate.  – Look for the experience, not the feeling…not the excitement.  Love doesn’t have to be fixed by you, or changed by you. You don’t have to do anything for love. If you feel that you need to fix them or change them, then you are in lust and not in your right mind.  It’s not love.
• “When you see crazy comin’, cross the street.” – Iyanla Vanzant
• When people show you, please understand the truth of them and yourself and do not waste your time with people who have shown you that they really mean no good for you.
• “Do not let yourself be surround by people who will  peck you to death like  a duck. If you allow yourself to be around people who show you who they are and you refuse to believe it, they will each time they enter into your space take a little piece of your soul.” – Maya Angelou.

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