I realized I’ve been manifesting many things without realizing I have. A revelation that has shaken me up. Leaving me puzzled about why I am manifesting some things. But the one prize I have desired for quite some time has been eluding me. Toying with me. Taunting me. Leaving me questioning why. Is it because I truly do not believe I am worthy of the prize? Is it because I am in the midst of learning more, teaching more, seeking more in order to be in the frame of mind to allow me to accept that prize? Without question. Without guilt.
I have had a wonderful weekend of total surrender. A weekend where I allowed myself to just be. To stare at the moon as I did last night in gratitude and awe of its beauty. Watching clouds obscure it then pass on by. Watching its light flicker. Watching it shining majestically from its perch in the sky. Filled with wonder and love with this beautiful place we call our world, our universe.
I surrendered to being in the moment every single moment of the day. Spent the day on Saturday chatting with a friend of mine about the fears I am facing – about seeing my life flash before my eyes. Reaching an epiphany with her I had not fully recognized until I spoke the words to her. Acknowledging to her and to myself that my life seemed to alter in a way I still don’t understand when I watched my dad snake down the hill to the hospital to see my mother. Only for him to return to let us know she had gone forever from our lives. My life. Never to return.
Is that the point in my life when I began this process of self sabotage? Of believing I was unworthy because if I was worthy enough, my mother would never have been taken from me. Of believing if I was too successful , somehow I would have to pay for that success as I paid when my mother was snatched from me overnight? Is this why I keep dancing around my prize because I’m afraid of what can happen? Of what and whom I will invite in?
I looked at the beautiful full moon last night. Staring at it for a long time. Declaring to the Universe I am ready now – ready to give and receive that which is rightfully mine. Ready to embrace the fact that I am the miracle I was sent here to be. That I am love and light, peace and forgiveness, worthy of all the gifts to be bestowed upon me. With gratitude and abandon. Without question. I am ready.
Watching the light of the moon getting brighter with each declaration. Less clouds covering its face. Allowing me to fully see its light. The universal and unforsaken light of all that is. Filling me with wonder and awe and possibility. Filling me with gratitude and love and light. Filling me with the life force I sometimes take for granted. Filling me up in ways I cannot even begin to describe. Letting me know it is time for me to embrace and acknowledge I am ready. And I am. Ready.
And for receiving this powerful blessing of all knowing, I am truly and honestly grateful. Amen.
***About Catherine Duffy – A woman in search of truth. A wife trying to love unconditionally. A mother trying to raise good citizens. A writer bursting through. Enjoying life’s journey. Catherine can be found @duffy_catherine and on her blog from Bermuda · http://bermudacat.blogspot.com.