With the Palm Springs trip behind them, both Ryan and Tatum seemed to be finding a new comfort level in their relationship. Throwing a Frisbee on the beach, spending the day together and even enjoying each others’ company. To top it off, Tatum decided to cook her father a home-cooked meal. Things appeared to be looking up. It was strange watching as Tatum was micro-managed by her father as she cooked…they were finally looking normal. Don’t get me wrong, micro-managing stinks, but from the conversations I have with my friends…this appears to be normal behavior between parents and their adult children. I can’t tell you how many times my mother has told me to be careful with the “big” knife, cut down on an ingredient or simply reminded me that it may be time to check the food in the oven. She is my mom…that is what she does and I love her for it. As Tatum cooked for her father I thought of how Ryan mentioned that her mother was a good, southern cook. All the memories she was unable to make with her mom in the kitchen. I only hope she is making them with her own children. As she became flustered, I could tell this wasn’t the experience she had hoped for.
Unable to ignore the elephant in the room,Tatum commented on the amount of alcohol her father had in his refrigerator and home. Jokingly she added “ask me how my sobriety is going?” to which Ryan asked and eventually followed up with “well damn it…because I have a bottle of tequila upstairs with your name on it.” Only someone who is an addict themselves or has no clue about addiction would make such a comment. It was clear that Tatum was struggling with having all that alcohol in front of her. The last thing she needs is someone planting a thought like that in her head…especially her father. Ryan shared that his daughter had told him that she had drug and alcohol abuse issues. He commented that it “surprised me because if I had a joint she would slap it out of my mouth”. Seriously? People who grow up surrounded by their role models doing drugs….are HIGHLY likely to abuse drugs themselves. I don’t understand how parents’ can’t see how they influence their own children. At 16, Tatum was slapping drugs out of her father’s mouth….that says a lot. No child should have to see their parents like that. No child. When speaking about how he never saw Tatum drunk or high, Ryan couldn’t help but wonder what she was like – “probably meaner”. He’s killing me here.
“If he would have seen me on my death bed…he certainly wouldn’t have been making a joke” Tatum shared through her tears, “I’m a really hope-to-die alcoholic, drug addict.” Unsure if her father would ever understand, she tried to explain how bad it had gotten for her. Tatum shared that she was able to pull herself up by going to a 12-step program. Following the discussion, Tatum and Ryan finally sat down to have dinner. A new place again in their relationship and a glimpse for Ryan into what his daughter had gone through. As they enjoyed their meal, Tatum told her dad about an AA meeting she was attending the next day. The conversation was opened up and Ryan was present in the conversation. Ryan shared that it would be embarrassing if you were in the program and weren’t able to keep your sobriety. I wondered for a moment…was he open and just afraid of failing? Tatum hoped that one day her father would go with her to a meeting and just maybe he would understand that alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease. I, too, am hopeful. It could change so much in both of your lives.
Ryan then got a call from his therapist. He wanted Ryan to bring Tatum to their next session. It was time for their first session together. Suddenly the air got thicker. Ryan still believed the core issue was Tatum leaving him; for Tatum it was so much more – the exclusion of her and her brother from her dad’s new relationship with Farrah, the fact that he left them alone, possibly even that she felt he choose Farrah over her. Clearly there was a LOT of stuff. Tatum understood though. As parents get older they aren’t always open to looking back at what they may or may not have done wrong. Many times they just aren’t capable of going that deep…or simply don’t care to. Not only did Ryan show up to the session with Mozart, but he came with gifts. He brought Tatum rings. However I don’t think he actually looked at them before he gave them to her. There were SO many. It was too funny. “I’m using every trick in the book. God knows what information she has that she can turn on me with” Ryan said. This was his way of showing he loved her…but sadly it felt loaded for Tatum. This is what he did. He bought her things and then expected something in return.
It made sense to me. Ryan may have finally felt that he had someone on his side. Someone that listened and understood what he wanted him to know. Now there was a possibility that Tatum may shatter the character that he built with his therapist. And if that happens, Ryan may be left feeling uncomfortable, judged and defensive. Someone he trusted may learn the quiet, unspeakable secrets and then want to talk about them. That would be scary.
As they began the session, Dr. Kadish began by trying to set some ground rules…no shouting, no threats, no storming out. With rules being dropped down, Ryan became a little defensive and joked about looking for the door. Dr. Kadish asked them what they hoped to get from the session and Ryan quietly moaned, “I don’t want to get my heart broken…what’s left of it.” Ryan spoke of the relationship he had with Tatum when they were working on Paper Moon. Reminiscing about how close they were, Ryan commented “it was a perfect union. It was better than any one I’d ever had with any of my wives or girls…perfect”. I think I get it. He felt close and safe with her. He didn’t have to guard his heart and she was his constant. My only concern….she was his 9 year old daughter, not one of his girls. She needed someone to set boundaries.
Watching Ryan talk about how Tatum “deserted the fort” and left him was difficult. It was as if he was playing a role; a role that justified his choices and behaviors. Sympathize with me, pity me, worry about me…all selfish calls by her father. Tatum didn’t have the responsibility; she was the child. Ryan was her father and should have been there for her. Time to OWN up and do better.
Dr. Kadish brought up Tatum’s AA meetings and asked if Ryan would support her by going. After he realized that it wasn’t about trying to get him treatment (which I am pretty sure he needs), he agreed. WOW! Whether it was because of the pressure of TV or his therapist….we’ll take it. This was a good thing and could really change both Tatum and Ryan’s lives.
Overall the session went well and they stuck to the rules. No one shouted, no one threatened anyone and no one stormed out. Ryan even complimented Tatum at the close. I couldn’t help but pause my TiVo. There was so much hurt BUT even more love between them. I could see it. Tatum then shared that she was seeing wonderful changes in her father and hoped he would start to feel good about himself. “You deserve it, dad, even if you don’t think you do,” she added before they left.
Excited that her father agreed to accompany her as support to an AA meeting, Tatum appeared happier and dare I say even hopeful. “It’s important for him to understand my sobriety because it’s my life.” This was a big step for Ryan. When he grew up, people who went to AA were “down-and-outters” only going to get a free meal. This was a big deal for him and an even bigger deal for Tatum. Her father was showing up for her. HUGE. Even cooler…after the meeting Ryan had a different perception of AA. As they ate dinner with friends following the meeting, Ryan spoke with admiration about the young people who had been in the meeting and were “coping to it” and were aware that they had a “terrible disease.” Ryan finally had an understanding of the “disease” and the benefits of a program like AA. For Tatum, she finally felt supported and closer to her father. She even found herself sharing a major regret. She had tried to kill herself with an overdose at one time in her life. The shame and regret overwhelmed her as she waited for her father to react. However Ryan simply responded, “it would have been a huge loss” and then thanked his daughter for including him in her life. Things seem to truly be looking up for the O’Neals!
Teaser for next week…dealing with Farrah issues and a bit of family blame going around!