I don’t know about you but this has been a very strange week for me. A week of searching, seeking and trying to understand who I am and where I am going. A week of questioning , probing. A week of great uncertainty. Where my emotions have been all over the place. Sometimes calm. Others times taking on everyone else’s energy and emotions then flying off the handle.
I have used meditation quite a lot this week to center myself. Refocus. Asking the Universe for guidance. I’m usually a person that can make decisions without too much effort as long as I have the information I need to make decisions. But this week I have found myself faltering. Not making decisions as fast as I would like. Not finding the information I need. Nothing resonating within me.
So this morning I decided to sleep in. To miss the sun rising. To just stay cocooned in bed. Letting my worries and concerns stream through my mind. Unfiltered. Without stopping them. Just letting them come as they saw fit. Surprised by how many there were. Taking them in.
Through this process I realized at the heart of my uncertainty is the fact that I am worrying about tomorrow. About the fact that I am nearing 50 and my life is not where I thought it was going to be. Leaving me wondering about how much time I have left to fulfill my dreams. To show myself and my children how great the mind is as long as we believe. To understand that as long as we believe, as long as we stretch our imaginations, as long as we keep working toward our dreams, we will achieve them.
But my question is, what if the life we dream of is not what we are meant to achieve? What if we keep searching for something that constantly seems to be beyond our reach? What happens then? Do we abandon that dream or do we just keep going where we are and hope that like the butterfly, if we stand still long enough it will flutter to us and land on our shoulder?
Is that what life is teaching me? That I need to give up pursuing and instead try receiving as much as I can. That I need to be patient and let life find me rather than me trying to find it. Is that why I slept in this morning so I could understand that sometimes we just need to be right where we are in the present moment in order to receive what we are meant to receive. That if we are constantly moving in all different directions, changing tactics and trying to reach our end goal before we are ready then we will end up frustrating ourselves and others around us?
That all we need is ask once and then let go and if what we ask for is meant for us we will achieve it. I am going to try to let go. To surrender. Accepting sometimes I won’t be able to because I am human and infallible. That I am full of imperfections and hopes and dreams. To learn to trust I am as I am because I am. Allowing myself to surrender to the abundance and treasures of the Universe to give myself space to receive.
Here’s to a lazy Saturday – giving myself permission to just be….
***About Catherine Duffy – A woman in search of truth. A wife trying to love unconditionally. A mother trying to raise good citizens. A writer bursting through. Enjoying life’s journey. Catherine can be found @duffy_catherine and on her blog from Bermuda · http://bermudacat.blogspot.com.