Sometimes I sit and wait. Wait and sit. Stare off into space. Let space stare at me. Look out the window. To see what I can see. To feel what I can feel. To allow emotions, feelings, thoughts run through me. To see what inspiration hits me. To see what thoughts form the most cohesive train.
And then I let go. And start to write. Until I can’t stop. Until there is nothing more to express. Until my thoughts are assembled into something I can decipher. Until they start to make music and resonate with my soul.
Some days it’s easier than others. Some days I’m trying too hard to write something profound. To make sense of the world. When there is no sense to be made. Trying too hard to answer all my questions. Not accepting sometimes there are no answers. Just questions.
Sometimes after I finish writing I can’t believe I was the author. Sometimes I feel like the words are coming from a place and space I can only peek into for short periods of time. A place full of love, answers , wisdom, fullness and richness of self. A place of abundance. An overflowing well of joy. And when I reach that place by surrendering completely, I feel a sense of euphoria and peace at the same time. But then when I try to examine that place and space too much – overanalyse what it means – it disappears quickly – closes up and leaves behind darkness. More questions than answers.
And then on those times when I am trying too hard I find I am exhausted, afraid. Nothing happens because I am too judgemental about my ability to write and why I write. I let ego take over. I question who I think I am and why I think I have anything to say that anyone would want to read when I am just a person – the same as everyone else. Insecurity clouds my space. And then I freeze. Fear paralysing my fingers. My thoughts. My inspiration and my creativity. And I berate myself until I just give up and get up and walk away from my computer. From the negativity that is channelling through my body causing me to feel inadequate.
I walk away from the madness. Change the scenery. Inhale and exhale. Look outside. Until I see it. Feel it. And it sees me and feels me. Bringing us together. And usually it’s something as simple as a rose bud starting to bloom. All delicate and beautiful ready to burst into life. Filling me with pure joy. And then I feel something start to stir within my soul again and my eyes open wide to all the beauty that surrounds me every second of every day.
The beauty replaces the ugly and allows me to see that beauty and ugly exist side by side depending on one’s perspective. Depending on how we view things. Beauty and ugly are always there. Always challenging us to determine how we view life. And then I feel my creativity start to flow. My inspiration surging back and I go back and I write until I can write no more.
And then I sit back and contemplate and realise that writing, just like life, requires me to come from a place of love. Always. A place of surrender in order to free myself to see the gifts and abundance there in front of my face every single day. To see the inspiration that comes from everyday life through nature’s rich and varied tapestry. To feel it deep within my soul. Breathe it in slowly and fully. Letting it spread like wildfire through my veins until I open to that place of magic that resides within us all. Surrendering to its goodness and richness. Embracing it like it is my long lost lover.
And then I see I am all I need here and now. Now and here all I need. I am.
When we are looking for something that much grander than where we are and what we are, here and now, we miss out on our authentic selves. We miss out on the opportunity to grow and love. We miss out on the opportunity to be. And that’s why I sit and wait. Wait and sit. Because sometimes doing that allows me to write from that place of total understanding. Enabling me to learn a great life lesson – sometimes I just have to surrender to the here and now without question so I can see I am all I need here and now. And so are you. And so are we all. Here and now.
***About Catherine Duffy – A woman in search of truth. A wife trying to love unconditionally. A mother trying to raise good citizens. A writer bursting through. Enjoying life’s journey. Catherine can be found @duffy_catherine and on her blog from Bermuda · http://bermudacat.blogspot.com.